Trying to stay disciplined...

When I go to other people's blogs, I am always looking for cute photos and funny stories.  I try to keep our family's blog along those same lines... just to keep it light and fun and an easy read.  But now, I need to blog therapeutically for myself.

I am a compulsive overeater.  There.  The truth is out.  No matter what I have done over the past 8 months to stay fit and be healthy, that fact remains.  Like an alcoholic is never really "cured.... they are a "recovering alcoholic", the same is for me and my friend; my drug; my addiction:  FOOD.

It is really hard saying that.  Especially to someone like my husband who has the willpower of an OX!  He will decide to give up some luxury for a certain period of time, be it video games, beer, soda, chocolate, McDonald's food.... all he need do is say "I am giving up(.................)", and he just....DOES!!!  How I have prayed that it could be that easy for me.

I really tried over this past year to have that same philosophy.  I was SO determined!  I joined a Christian support group for eating disorders (yes....compulsive overeating is a disorder), joined a gym, hired a trainer and CONSISTENTLY worked out 6 days a week- and I saw the results!  But as life got more and more hectic, and my schedule became less and less regular, the pounds have started to creep back on.  My clothes fit just a tad snugger, I have not been attending my support group, I don't have the energy I used to, and I am really starting to beat myself up all over again.

When I walk in a grocery store, I KNOW what I SHOULD be buying.  But the Little Debbie Snack Cakes are RIGHT NEXT TO the 100 Calorie Whole Wheat Tortillas.  The Chocolate Dip is RIGHT IN FRONT OF the Bananas.  The "Healthy" Sushi is covered in delicious spicy mayonnaise.  And when I check out, there are NO LESS THAN 25 chocolate temptations as I wait  in line to pay, not to mention the soda that is my BIGGEST vice.

I would compare the bargaining and panicking that I do in a 30-minute grocery store run to the same thing an alcoholic must go through walking into a bar and ordering a sparkling water.  I am literally SURROUNDED by all the things that are my cravings, weaknesses and literally my DRUGS.  What I can't seem to figure out is WHY I see food this way???!!!

Here I am whining, when many people I am sure go through the same thing.  I am by no means the most overweight person on the planet, but man, it sure feels that way when I am giving into a temptation and feel SO incredibly guilty.  I have lots of friends who are healthy, fit and have no problem walking in and out of the grocery store with not a fattening thing in their possession.  You will never know the pride I feel when I am able to do the same... but as of late, that has NOT been the case.

I recognize my problem.  I admit my problem.  I am praying for strength.  I have asked for help.

Here is my new action plan:

1.  I am trying out a new schedule for working out... instead of focusing on doing 1 hour a day, I am doing a training plan for a 1/2 marathon.  I am hoping that having this short-term goal will distract me from the whole "I HAVE to work out" thing.   I started to resent that 2 hours of my day literally disappear between working out and showering after.  It is my prayer that by seeing I am progressing and challenging myself more and more each week, I will not see the workout as just checking a box, but as steps I am taking toward an achievement.

2.  I have signed up for the "My Fit Foods" 21-day challenge.  They say it takes 3 weeks to break a bad habit.  I don't look at my eating pattern as a "habit" per say- it is an issue that has no quick fix.  But my prayer is that by "cleansing" my body of all this "medication" I take in through bad food and drink choices, I will be able to see that I CAN live without it.  I am hoping that these 21 days, I will stay prayerful, and find strength through Him that I will make these life-long changes for good.

3.  I am going back to my support group, even if it means giving up library time with Mallory.  (Unfortunately, they fall on the same night.)  But I am going to use my "oxygen mask" philosophy:  taking care of myself before others.  The guilt will be a roadblock I will have to overcome.  The long-term benefits outweigh missing one event a week with Mallory.

Some of you may think "It's 7 pounds, Amber.... why are you so hard on yourself?"  Well, I can see these 7 pounds turning into 17 if I don't do something NOW.

I do NOT want to go back to where I was 8 months ago.  And I am DETERMINED to heal my spirit and get that drive back!

So, here's to today...again.